Cold One

I’m not an emotional type of person

so when it comes to making decisions

I always use my head.

I guess it’s fair to say that after all the

numbing I’ve done all these years,

my heart froze due to the cold

I myself have put it through.

Those around me sometimes wonder

if I am even capable of feeling things,

such as love.

Somehow they always seem to manage

seeing through the ice glass surrounding

this heart of mine,

that what exist within is merely

anger and rage.

I don’t have to say a word

because even when I have on the biggest smile

or manage looking like the happiest

living being alive, my aura says otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong….

I am capable of love,

but it’s quite different from your point of view.

You see,

the kind of love I am capable of giving

won’t keep you warm,

it won’t fill in gaps in your life either.

The kind of love I am capable of giving

is holding out my hand

along with a promise to never let go

until all is well.

I cannot give a piece of my heart,

not anymore –

there’s just too much missing pieces

that I have given freely in the past

only to have those who already had a piece

come back for more.

Leaving me shattered with no choice

but to save the remaining pieces for myself.

Don’t worry

in time this heart of mine shall heal

and I will no longer be referred to

as the Cold One.

I want… I need…

“I’ll give you my car.”

“I’ll buy you whatever you want.”

“I’ll get it for you, no matter the cost.”

“What do you want?”

– Mom

“You. I Need You.”

” Your Unconditional Love.”

“That’s what I want.”

“That’s what I need.”

“That’s what I’m craving.”

– Me

 

All or Nothing

I gave my all, whatever I can, the best I could…..

But none of it was enough,

it was as if the more I try to please your desires

the more the situation worsened.

To the point where I lost faith in myself,

stopped hoping for a better future,

was ashamed of myself and the life that I had.

Lost confidence in myself,

yet you’d see me walking around with this infectious grin

displayed upon my face –

I’ve been told by many how much they envy me,

that surely I was living this fairy tale sort of life

because my aura radiated bright enough to encourage those around me

to want to live a happy and positive life no matter what

obstacle gets in the way.

Knowing that I was able to help others cope with

whatever it was they were going though gave me enough courage and happiness

to live through the day.

Whether I feel like dying or stop from trying…..

I still continue to move forward,

because what’s important is I make it through the day.

After all, a storm doesn’t last forever,

the sun will come out eventually,

TRYING

The past has a chain attached to my soul.

I’ve been running for so long,

to avoid all the pain and the presence of ghouls.

Closing my eyes was never enough,

and surely playing pretend was something I cannot do.

I did not let my past turn me into the person

that everyone around me said I’d become.

I’m still holding on to every sharp word that has left my neighbor’s mouth,

it’s hard to forgive when the same “mistake”

has been repeated over the years.

Yet here I am, trying to find in my aching heart

to let go of it all…

INSPIRATION

I’ve been stepped on.

Pushed down. Called names.

But I didn’t let anything or anyone  

keep me from reaching my goals in life,

and dreams that I long so lived for.

Instead I use the negativism being thrown my way

as an inspiration by turning it into 

something positive and worth my precious time.