Mutual Silence

Mom came over earlier today

and picked me up so we can

have our mother-daughter

chit chat someplace serene.

What usually takes five minutes

felt like a one hour drive.

Breathing in the same heavy air

we were both exhaling inside the

car she decided to use.

Neither of us uttered a word,

and the silence surrounding us

felt like a punch in the gut

as it grew and occupied the rest of

the space between my mother and I.

I looked outside the window

through the passenger’s side,

amused by how fast it suddenly

went dark as the clouds covered

the sun completely.

It looked like it was going to rain…

No perhaps a storm,

which I found ironic.

It was as if the real world was

reflecting both my feelings and emotions

right in front of me.

Not a pretty sight, considering

the fact that the wind was

gushing furiously taking its toll

out on miniature trees next

to the sidewalk.

I wanted to melt the ice

and I was pretty certain that my mother

wanted the same exact thing.

Yet we remained quiet,

barely looking at each other

avoiding eye contact at all cost.

I should be used to this…

 

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A Daughter’s Defiance

My mother and I don’t really get along.

She claims that it’s my pride taking over, making a complicated situation even more serious than it already is.

She’d tell me I’m selfish, that I don’t really care about anyone but myself.

Not a single damn given to anybody.

Selfish.

Yes. That’s what she calls me all the time.

She goes around spreading rumors, acting as if she’s being victimized by being forced to live with such an ungrateful child.

Okay.

I get it, I’m the bad guy….

But there’s always two sides of the story.

There is always a detail that gets left unmentioned, just to get the right amount of attention.

You want to hear my part of the story? My side?

Well, here it is.

Pride. Yes, I do have pride, and that is to defend my dignity because it’s the only thing I have left.

Selfish. No, I am not selfish, I’m only looking out for myself. Something that my own mother was incapable of doing due to the love she has to her precious husband. My stepfather. I have to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I can’t expect anything from her, from someone who can’t even tell me “I love you” coming from the heart.

Ungrateful? No. I made a choice to stop pretending that everything is okay. I made a choice that it’s okay to not be okay, and I would rather cry in front of an audience than to force a smile that makes me want to to punch myself in the gut.

As for the rumors, the lies, the uncompleted side of her story…

Well, she just can’t accept the fact that her own daughter defies her wish to impress the world by living a lie.

Midnight Calling

I myself wonder sometimes…

Why do I lie awake at one am staring blankly at the ceiling,

Why I watch every shadow of each passing car from the blinds of my window.

Surely I’m not the only one who feels as if the darkness brings comfort as it stays wrapped around me.

And the fact that every night I become more and more numb of the thought

“they understand”.

I’m not this way though, it really does occur only late around the same time every night.

It’s as if midnight calls my name to stay awake and wait another hour

until all my thoughts and emotions gets all jumbled up.

Where at one am I would start crying and ask questions by whispering them in midair

then at eight am I feel pathetic for even having such thoughts…

It happens to all of us though, we get some sort of calling, a reminder

that we are actually capable of feeling everything but at the same time become numb.

I guess it’s just a natural thing for us all,

to remind us that we’re alive and we all have the right to feel pain.

Torment

I scare myself sometimes. Due to all these thoughts forming inside my head. “That’s perfectly normal”, is what I’ve been told, but honestly I don’t think it is… Not when the voices are reminding you of what once was, what should have been forgotten, the past.

It seems so hunted, almost as if some ghoulish form of some sort is living inside of me causing me to take a trip down memory lane. Except instead of seeing the good memories, you’re face to face with the things you once hated. “Everyone had some trouble in their past, but such a long time has passed. Surely it’s forgotten.”

No. Wrong. See, when the past is not confronted or dealt with properly, it’ll haunt you for the rest of your life. One way or another, something will trigger it and you’ll eventually face what you thought you outran.

All or Nothing

I gave my all, whatever I can, the best I could…..

But none of it was enough,

it was as if the more I try to please your desires

the more the situation worsened.

To the point where I lost faith in myself,

stopped hoping for a better future,

was ashamed of myself and the life that I had.

Lost confidence in myself,

yet you’d see me walking around with this infectious grin

displayed upon my face –

I’ve been told by many how much they envy me,

that surely I was living this fairy tale sort of life

because my aura radiated bright enough to encourage those around me

to want to live a happy and positive life no matter what

obstacle gets in the way.

Knowing that I was able to help others cope with

whatever it was they were going though gave me enough courage and happiness

to live through the day.

Whether I feel like dying or stop from trying…..

I still continue to move forward,

because what’s important is I make it through the day.

After all, a storm doesn’t last forever,

the sun will come out eventually,

TRYING

The past has a chain attached to my soul.

I’ve been running for so long,

to avoid all the pain and the presence of ghouls.

Closing my eyes was never enough,

and surely playing pretend was something I cannot do.

I did not let my past turn me into the person

that everyone around me said I’d become.

I’m still holding on to every sharp word that has left my neighbor’s mouth,

it’s hard to forgive when the same “mistake”

has been repeated over the years.

Yet here I am, trying to find in my aching heart

to let go of it all…