Cold One

I’m not an emotional type of person

so when it comes to making decisions

I always use my head.

I guess it’s fair to say that after all the

numbing I’ve done all these years,

my heart froze due to the cold

I myself have put it through.

Those around me sometimes wonder

if I am even capable of feeling things,

such as love.

Somehow they always seem to manage

seeing through the ice glass surrounding

this heart of mine,

that what exist within is merely

anger and rage.

I don’t have to say a word

because even when I have on the biggest smile

or manage looking like the happiest

living being alive, my aura says otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong….

I am capable of love,

but it’s quite different from your point of view.

You see,

the kind of love I am capable of giving

won’t keep you warm,

it won’t fill in gaps in your life either.

The kind of love I am capable of giving

is holding out my hand

along with a promise to never let go

until all is well.

I cannot give a piece of my heart,

not anymore –

there’s just too much missing pieces

that I have given freely in the past

only to have those who already had a piece

come back for more.

Leaving me shattered with no choice

but to save the remaining pieces for myself.

Don’t worry

in time this heart of mine shall heal

and I will no longer be referred to

as the Cold One.

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I want… I need…

“I’ll give you my car.”

“I’ll buy you whatever you want.”

“I’ll get it for you, no matter the cost.”

“What do you want?”

– Mom

“You. I Need You.”

” Your Unconditional Love.”

“That’s what I want.”

“That’s what I need.”

“That’s what I’m craving.”

– Me

 

Making Momma Proud

Mom.

My entire life, it’s always been about making you proud.

Pushing my limits, doing it all for you.

Stayed in school, free from drugs and alcohol

stayed on track, kept my grades high

pursued being the best passing everyone by.

Yet you don’t seem to notice any of it…

None of it seems to matter to you,

I didn’t just see it in your eyes but felt it.

It hurts. It really does.

I’m in college now, Mom.

Did it all on my own, without your help nor support.

It’s kind of sad because to this very day,

I’m still doing my best hoping that someday

you’ll realize I was one hell of a daughter.

The kind that never gave up on her mother,

and did her best out of every thing just to hear the praise:

“I’m Proud of You!”

Confession

How do you get over a heart break?

Dealing with all the heart ache?

Convinced myself that I

completely moved on,

but in reality I only forced

the idea inside this head of mine.

The love that I once had for you

no longer exist, and it’ll stay that way tomorrow too.

Yet I failed to acknowledge

that I’m still broken within,

scarred inside, deep down below.

Straight up to the core,

where you’ll find my roots.

How do you deal with all the pain?

When everything is built through anger and rage?

The Last Scene

She’s reminiscing,

going through flashbacks;

Searching for the right scene

that already passed her by.

More likely the last part,

it wasn’t really good bye

but it was the moment 

when betrayal began;

And another promise made 

was broken into pieces.

Vanishes in midair

before she realized it,

unable to grasp it all 

within her very palm…..

Right before her eyes.

CLEAN

Once was the girl nobody knew,

didn’t seem to matter

to anyone at all.

My best friend were razors

or anything sharp in sight.

Constantly sitting in darkness

as I watch very close

for the silhouette of lose blood.

A tear escaped my eye,

then another.

Wanted to stop more than anything,

asking myself “why”.

Because I knew in my heart

that I deserved better.

To be happy

and discourage be-befriending

anything that can cut.

Pushed myself hard,

once wasn’t enough.

I just had to try…..

Now I’m clean for the past year

and couldn’t be any better!