I want… I need…

“I’ll give you my car.”

“I’ll buy you whatever you want.”

“I’ll get it for you, no matter the cost.”

“What do you want?”

– Mom

“You. I Need You.”

” Your Unconditional Love.”

“That’s what I want.”

“That’s what I need.”

“That’s what I’m craving.”

– Me

 

Advertisements

Confession

How do you get over a heart break?

Dealing with all the heart ache?

Convinced myself that I

completely moved on,

but in reality I only forced

the idea inside this head of mine.

The love that I once had for you

no longer exist, and it’ll stay that way tomorrow too.

Yet I failed to acknowledge

that I’m still broken within,

scarred inside, deep down below.

Straight up to the core,

where you’ll find my roots.

How do you deal with all the pain?

When everything is built through anger and rage?

A Daughter’s Defiance

My mother and I don’t really get along.

She claims that it’s my pride taking over, making a complicated situation even more serious than it already is.

She’d tell me I’m selfish, that I don’t really care about anyone but myself.

Not a single damn given to anybody.

Selfish.

Yes. That’s what she calls me all the time.

She goes around spreading rumors, acting as if she’s being victimized by being forced to live with such an ungrateful child.

Okay.

I get it, I’m the bad guy….

But there’s always two sides of the story.

There is always a detail that gets left unmentioned, just to get the right amount of attention.

You want to hear my part of the story? My side?

Well, here it is.

Pride. Yes, I do have pride, and that is to defend my dignity because it’s the only thing I have left.

Selfish. No, I am not selfish, I’m only looking out for myself. Something that my own mother was incapable of doing due to the love she has to her precious husband. My stepfather. I have to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I can’t expect anything from her, from someone who can’t even tell me “I love you” coming from the heart.

Ungrateful? No. I made a choice to stop pretending that everything is okay. I made a choice that it’s okay to not be okay, and I would rather cry in front of an audience than to force a smile that makes me want to to punch myself in the gut.

As for the rumors, the lies, the uncompleted side of her story…

Well, she just can’t accept the fact that her own daughter defies her wish to impress the world by living a lie.

Midnight Calling

I myself wonder sometimes…

Why do I lie awake at one am staring blankly at the ceiling,

Why I watch every shadow of each passing car from the blinds of my window.

Surely I’m not the only one who feels as if the darkness brings comfort as it stays wrapped around me.

And the fact that every night I become more and more numb of the thought

“they understand”.

I’m not this way though, it really does occur only late around the same time every night.

It’s as if midnight calls my name to stay awake and wait another hour

until all my thoughts and emotions gets all jumbled up.

Where at one am I would start crying and ask questions by whispering them in midair

then at eight am I feel pathetic for even having such thoughts…

It happens to all of us though, we get some sort of calling, a reminder

that we are actually capable of feeling everything but at the same time become numb.

I guess it’s just a natural thing for us all,

to remind us that we’re alive and we all have the right to feel pain.

Torment

I scare myself sometimes. Due to all these thoughts forming inside my head. “That’s perfectly normal”, is what I’ve been told, but honestly I don’t think it is… Not when the voices are reminding you of what once was, what should have been forgotten, the past.

It seems so hunted, almost as if some ghoulish form of some sort is living inside of me causing me to take a trip down memory lane. Except instead of seeing the good memories, you’re face to face with the things you once hated. “Everyone had some trouble in their past, but such a long time has passed. Surely it’s forgotten.”

No. Wrong. See, when the past is not confronted or dealt with properly, it’ll haunt you for the rest of your life. One way or another, something will trigger it and you’ll eventually face what you thought you outran.