I want… I need…

“I’ll give you my car.”

“I’ll buy you whatever you want.”

“I’ll get it for you, no matter the cost.”

“What do you want?”

– Mom

“You. I Need You.”

” Your Unconditional Love.”

“That’s what I want.”

“That’s what I need.”

“That’s what I’m craving.”

– Me

 

Mutual Silence

Mom came over earlier today

and picked me up so we can

have our mother-daughter

chit chat someplace serene.

What usually takes five minutes

felt like a one hour drive.

Breathing in the same heavy air

we were both exhaling inside the

car she decided to use.

Neither of us uttered a word,

and the silence surrounding us

felt like a punch in the gut

as it grew and occupied the rest of

the space between my mother and I.

I looked outside the window

through the passenger’s side,

amused by how fast it suddenly

went dark as the clouds covered

the sun completely.

It looked like it was going to rain…

No perhaps a storm,

which I found ironic.

It was as if the real world was

reflecting both my feelings and emotions

right in front of me.

Not a pretty sight, considering

the fact that the wind was

gushing furiously taking its toll

out on miniature trees next

to the sidewalk.

I wanted to melt the ice

and I was pretty certain that my mother

wanted the same exact thing.

Yet we remained quiet,

barely looking at each other

avoiding eye contact at all cost.

I should be used to this…

 

The Last Scene

She’s reminiscing,

going through flashbacks;

Searching for the right scene

that already passed her by.

More likely the last part,

it wasn’t really good bye

but it was the moment 

when betrayal began;

And another promise made 

was broken into pieces.

Vanishes in midair

before she realized it,

unable to grasp it all 

within her very palm…..

Right before her eyes.

A Daughter’s Defiance

My mother and I don’t really get along.

She claims that it’s my pride taking over, making a complicated situation even more serious than it already is.

She’d tell me I’m selfish, that I don’t really care about anyone but myself.

Not a single damn given to anybody.

Selfish.

Yes. That’s what she calls me all the time.

She goes around spreading rumors, acting as if she’s being victimized by being forced to live with such an ungrateful child.

Okay.

I get it, I’m the bad guy….

But there’s always two sides of the story.

There is always a detail that gets left unmentioned, just to get the right amount of attention.

You want to hear my part of the story? My side?

Well, here it is.

Pride. Yes, I do have pride, and that is to defend my dignity because it’s the only thing I have left.

Selfish. No, I am not selfish, I’m only looking out for myself. Something that my own mother was incapable of doing due to the love she has to her precious husband. My stepfather. I have to love myself, because if I don’t then who will? I can’t expect anything from her, from someone who can’t even tell me “I love you” coming from the heart.

Ungrateful? No. I made a choice to stop pretending that everything is okay. I made a choice that it’s okay to not be okay, and I would rather cry in front of an audience than to force a smile that makes me want to to punch myself in the gut.

As for the rumors, the lies, the uncompleted side of her story…

Well, she just can’t accept the fact that her own daughter defies her wish to impress the world by living a lie.

All or Nothing

I gave my all, whatever I can, the best I could…..

But none of it was enough,

it was as if the more I try to please your desires

the more the situation worsened.

To the point where I lost faith in myself,

stopped hoping for a better future,

was ashamed of myself and the life that I had.

Lost confidence in myself,

yet you’d see me walking around with this infectious grin

displayed upon my face –

I’ve been told by many how much they envy me,

that surely I was living this fairy tale sort of life

because my aura radiated bright enough to encourage those around me

to want to live a happy and positive life no matter what

obstacle gets in the way.

Knowing that I was able to help others cope with

whatever it was they were going though gave me enough courage and happiness

to live through the day.

Whether I feel like dying or stop from trying…..

I still continue to move forward,

because what’s important is I make it through the day.

After all, a storm doesn’t last forever,

the sun will come out eventually,