A Headache?

My head hurts.

It’s a headache, it has to be.

Actually…… No, it’s not.

It’s all the stress I’m putting my body through on a daily basis,

it has been this way for quite some time now.

Nothing stops me from doing what I do,

always pushing through everything.

Even my own limits.

I guess I forgot how to take good care of myself,

and now the toll is unbearable.

Too busy listening to what others want,

I ended up forgetting what it is that I want…

I don’t know.

I don’t know what kind of headache this is,

but I do know what I want out of life.

I need to get off my ass, put the rest of the world’s

wants and needs on mute and decide for myself.

Me. This time, it’s going to be about me.

So….. bear with me.

Making Momma Proud

Mom.

My entire life, it’s always been about making you proud.

Pushing my limits, doing it all for you.

Stayed in school, free from drugs and alcohol

stayed on track, kept my grades high

pursued being the best passing everyone by.

Yet you don’t seem to notice any of it…

None of it seems to matter to you,

I didn’t just see it in your eyes but felt it.

It hurts. It really does.

I’m in college now, Mom.

Did it all on my own, without your help nor support.

It’s kind of sad because to this very day,

I’m still doing my best hoping that someday

you’ll realize I was one hell of a daughter.

The kind that never gave up on her mother,

and did her best out of every thing just to hear the praise:

“I’m Proud of You!”

One of Us

Are you one of us?

A broken home.

Where’s mom? Where’s dad?

People are talking. Spreading rumors,

I’ve heard so many…

Mostly fantasized, the kind where

imagination was involved.

Wanna know what’s the least popular?

The truth.

He’s lying. She’s lying.

How the hell is this shit supposed to make any sense,

if those who were at fault continues to point fingers.

Where’s the justice in that?

Little Sister

She’s always been prettier than me,

for as long as I can remember.

I envied her so

not only because of her beauty,

but also because of her ability

to capture everyone’s heart.

She doesn’t even have to try,

everything seems to come her way

on free will.

Me on the other hand,

always had to bust my ass off

to get that kind of attention.

For some odd reason,

love to her came for free;

when it came to me

everything always had a price.

Nothing was EVER free.

I envied her.

My little sister.

The one person in the world

I vowed to protect and love with all my heart.

My best friend

My one true love…

Then it hits me,

and I ask myself “who is she?”

She’s my sister.

Growing up, the competition between

my little sister and I was irrelevant

especially when I’m no match to begin with.

Then I look past that,

all of it…

She was the one person in the world who

had always kept me from giving up.

The thought of protecting her

and making sure she has someone to look up to

was very important to me.

The thought of her.

My baby sister.

My best friend.

My one true love.

Just the thought of her can make

me stronger, aiming for even higher heights.

In the past I have envied her,

but you can’t give all the love that you have

to someone you envy now, can you?

I had both.

I made a choice.

It was either her, or my envy.

I chose…….

My one true love(:

Cold One

I’m not an emotional type of person

so when it comes to making decisions

I always use my head.

I guess it’s fair to say that after all the

numbing I’ve done all these years,

my heart froze due to the cold

I myself have put it through.

Those around me sometimes wonder

if I am even capable of feeling things,

such as love.

Somehow they always seem to manage

seeing through the ice glass surrounding

this heart of mine,

that what exist within is merely

anger and rage.

I don’t have to say a word

because even when I have on the biggest smile

or manage looking like the happiest

living being alive, my aura says otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong….

I am capable of love,

but it’s quite different from your point of view.

You see,

the kind of love I am capable of giving

won’t keep you warm,

it won’t fill in gaps in your life either.

The kind of love I am capable of giving

is holding out my hand

along with a promise to never let go

until all is well.

I cannot give a piece of my heart,

not anymore –

there’s just too much missing pieces

that I have given freely in the past

only to have those who already had a piece

come back for more.

Leaving me shattered with no choice

but to save the remaining pieces for myself.

Don’t worry

in time this heart of mine shall heal

and I will no longer be referred to

as the Cold One.

Psalm 18:16

If I were to tell you a brief summary

of everything in life that I’ve been through,

I promise you’ll wonder

how I managed staying sane after all this time.

I didn’t face the hardships I’ve endured alone

 from the moment I was born,

I had help.

HE held my hand through the good times

and the bad,

making sure I always got back up

on my own two feet.

I want… I need…

“I’ll give you my car.”

“I’ll buy you whatever you want.”

“I’ll get it for you, no matter the cost.”

“What do you want?”

– Mom

“You. I Need You.”

” Your Unconditional Love.”

“That’s what I want.”

“That’s what I need.”

“That’s what I’m craving.”

– Me

 

Mutual Silence

Mom came over earlier today

and picked me up so we can

have our mother-daughter

chit chat someplace serene.

What usually takes five minutes

felt like a one hour drive.

Breathing in the same heavy air

we were both exhaling inside the

car she decided to use.

Neither of us uttered a word,

and the silence surrounding us

felt like a punch in the gut

as it grew and occupied the rest of

the space between my mother and I.

I looked outside the window

through the passenger’s side,

amused by how fast it suddenly

went dark as the clouds covered

the sun completely.

It looked like it was going to rain…

No perhaps a storm,

which I found ironic.

It was as if the real world was

reflecting both my feelings and emotions

right in front of me.

Not a pretty sight, considering

the fact that the wind was

gushing furiously taking its toll

out on miniature trees next

to the sidewalk.

I wanted to melt the ice

and I was pretty certain that my mother

wanted the same exact thing.

Yet we remained quiet,

barely looking at each other

avoiding eye contact at all cost.

I should be used to this…